And apparently this is our season of waiting. :)
Little girl Wind is taking her sweet time, and I must say that waiting on her has been really hard for me--harder than I anticipated. Of course I knew theoretically that my prelabor contractions (begun five weeks ago now) wouldn't necessarily lead to an earlier birth, but it was hard to believe that it could go on this long. In the intervening weeks, I feel like I have been through every emotion: hopeful excitement, disappointment, discouragement, thankfulness, times of renewed hope in the Lord, fatigue and weariness from the physical challenges of carting this baby around . . . you name it, I feel like I've experienced it, and thanks to pregnancy hormones, sometimes in one day I've vacillated wildly between the highs and the lows!
It has been no less a spiritual battle for me. Trusting HIM, waiting on Father's perfect timing, knowing that all He does is good, curbing my impatience, submitting my plan to His plan, seeking to keep a thankful heart--those are also key elements in this recent time.
Thursday night I hit a real low. I was having contractions, enough to keep me awake, about every 5 minutes. Before bed we prayed that they would either intensify, so that I could have the baby, or weaken, so I could sleep. They did neither. They stayed maddeningly consistent, just strong enough to wake me each time I would doze off, but not progressing in intensity. I tried everything--a bath, pacing the floor, trying to distract myself reading--but to no avail, I didn't manage to fall asleep until after 3:30am. Then Clara Anne woke up at 6, needing to use the bathroom, and like clockwork, my contractions started up again, again preventing me from sleep. Finally at 7ish I got up and went into the bathroom, turned on the light, and cried it out with the Lord.
I've been reading through the Psalms, and my reading for yesterday morning was Psalm 57, which begins, "Be merciful to me, O God . . . be merciful to me!" It was the perfect reading for how I was feeling. I expressed my true feelings to the Lord, confessed my sin of worry and fear (because with every day that passes I am fighting worry that there will be a problem with her size at birth), and asked for His peace.
The transformation was not immediate, but I was finally able to get back to sleep for an hour before the day began. After breakfast and some family time together, John sent me off to Starbucks for a little more quiet time while he read stories to the girls. And, at Starbucks, I just happened to run into my good friend who lives here and has been a support to me this whole time. She then just happened to invite me to a foot massage yesterday afternoon. Wow! Father knew what I needed yesterday!
So though this has been a season of waiting, it has also been a wonderful season of rest for our family. I need to remind myself of the blessings that we've experienced this past month as well. Before we left, John was so busy with the new business stuff, and when we get back, it's going to be full steam ahead. As soon as the baby is born, we'll probably head home within 2-3 days, and then we'll be right in the midst of choosing furniture and things for our new apartment, packing up our old apartment, John's business will be starting up, we have to make a trip to the capital city to get a passport and visa for the baby, and then of course adjusting to having three children! So this restful month has been a real blessing. We've really enjoyed our family times together and I certainly don't want to take that for granted.
All that being said, we will try to wait patiently. I see my doctor again on Monday (if the baby doesn't come before then) and we'll see what she says. Today is a bright, clear day, though with a chill in the air, so perhaps we'll get out and walk for awhile. Be assured that we will post the news about the baby as soon as we have any to share! For now she seems perfectly content inside, but I hope that will change soon! Until next time . . .